The Importance of Reminiscing

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I used to reminisce all the time, whether it was reading old journal entries or going through silly/dramatic photos I took with a 2010 webcam. At least once a week I’d “stalk myself” on Facebook and look through the photos of my life, as if I needed it to remember who I was.

The truth is that I did need it. It was more powerful than looking in the mirror. Reminiscing kept me grounded. It reminded me of how much I enjoyed the good times, and how I got through the bad times. It reminded me that I had my own story, different from anyone else’s.

Then one day reminiscing became destructive. I was going through heartbreak and it became too painful to look back on happy times. Once I got through the sadness of that heartbreak, I was angry. And because of that anger I decided to never look back.

I decided to only focus on who I was becoming. I wanted to show that guy who broke my heart that I was becoming the best version of myself. Only on the surface did my life seem great. In reality, I was depressed. And reminiscing made that worse.

After 2 years of trying to forget my past, I’ve realized the effect its had on me. I was starting to forget who I was and all of the struggles I’ve been through. I blocked out some of the most important moments of my life that made me who I am.

And now it’s all revealing itself. The feelings of my first love and first heartbreak. As hard as it is to revisit those memories, I have to.

I hope you will too.

“Remember who you are and where you come from.” – Karolina Kurkova

~

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I’m Nostalgic For the Now

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I can feel myself looking back at this moment months down the road, years down the road, decades.

I’m yearning for that future. I’m yearning to reminisce… on this very time point that is happening right now.

The future is also happening right now.

I’m yearning for the present.

It’s unfolding in front of my own eyes.

Sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it.

I didn’t used to understand what it meant by, “all we have is now”.

But I get it.

Does it even matter if I get it or not?

All we have is now.

We create time, we distort it.

1 minute of pain can feel 1000 times longer than 24 hours of bliss.

That is something.

Take with it what you might.

~

What Do I Know at 19?

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I’d like to think that I have a lot of valuable knowledge and advice to share.

Then the negative self-talk begins…

“What do you know? You’re 19.”

“You don’t know true suffering and adversity.”

This voice has a point, and I see that. But it’s coming from a place of fear, where I’ve become my own hater. It’s holding me back, I’m holding me back.

Recently I was listening to a podcast about becoming a life coach, and the host said something along the lines, “You just have to find someone like you whose 5 steps behind.”

And like that, the negative voice went away. All of a sudden, I felt my eyes open and clarity poured in.

Maybe I don’t have that much life experience, but I’ve learned things. I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, heartbreak, and I’m in a good place now… a place where I can share my story.

And if sharing my story can inspire one or two people, that’s enough.

~

Early Tuesday Morning Thoughts

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I don’t believe in god

but an invisible voice

.

An invisible force

that’s been guiding all of us,

but not in the way we think

.

We aren’t on our own

the stars are right there

.

They shine

for millions of years,

and even when they leave,

their energy goes to those in need

.

Maybe they go to a place

far away,

another universe

another dimension

.

But in the now,

nothing can disappear…

if it’s all in your mind.

~

You’ve Been Holding Back

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From luscious green,

to golden orange,

to broken bare…

this was your escape,

your end-all-be-all…

then one day

you had to escape the escape

excuses piled,

time flew by…

you reminisced, said you’d go back

twice you showed up

empty and closed off

.

i forgive you but

my dear you’ve been holding back…

this is your calling

this is your second chance.

~

Goodbye to My Old Story

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i’m tired of telling the story

that has satisfied the world.

the story…

of who i am…

and what i’m working towards.

my life was going fine,

until one day

i was slower to distract myself.

something took hold of me…

the wind,

it whispered my truth.

every part of my being

aligned

with the fire in my soul,

but

i’ve been scared…

scared of losing

what i have now.

my fear isn’t strong enough though,

for my truth

is happening

and there’s no going back.

~